The 'Schland meets its Anschluss
When you move beyond the 'Schland, the 'Schland must move with you.
Dear citizens, residents, and reluctant visitors of The ‘Schland,
It’s possible that you have noticed that The ‘Schland has been quieter than usual of late, even though there is much going on and to write about. More likely, you have not noticed and probably have not cared. Only a psychopath goes through his day and thinks, “You know, if I could have more of one thing in my life, it’s emails.”
Especially about the world’s most möchtegern superpower. As they say, no one wakes up in America demanding to know what Germany is thinking — and as goes Germany, so goes The ‘Schland.
Did you know there is an entire world outside of Germany? As it turns out, no matter how much Lebensraum the cosmic Reich creates, it can never be big enough to satisfy everything there is to say about nothing that is happening in most of it.
That is why, in the spirit of media consolidation and synergistic vibes everywhere, I am pleased to announce that The ‘Schland is joining forces with a new venture. Introducing
The Bupkes.
Because when everything has been said about nothing, what’s left?
Precisely.
OK — maybe you have questions. Don’t fret, I’ve got answers:
What?! No more ‘Schland?
No, of course not! Have you learned nothing from history? Just like Germany, The 'Schland doesn't go away; it merely reinvents itself. You will still get lots of great reports from the bowels of the Teutonic Imaginary, but they will now get nestled under a larger family of imaginations.
Don’t think of it as a takeover, but merely — um — a unification of sorts. Ab sofort, ja!
I have no idea what this is?
That’s OK! Who has any idea about anything anymore? The Bupkes is a new magazine. If it does its job right, it will say very little about nothing and make you think it is something.
Want more? Read on!
Sounds great! What do I need to do?
Bupkes! As a subscriber of The ‘Schland, you get automatic access to The Bupkes. (You may have received another email about this.) Unlike the former, however, most but not all of the latter is free — except for you!
Your dedication to The ‘Schland all this time has earned you a well-deserved freebee. That’s why you have been gifted a three-month trial. Bitteschön!
At the conclusion of this period, you will still be able to read and engage with a lot of bupkes — but some of that nothing will not be accessible to everyone. If you want to be a someone, I encourage you to upgrade your subscription. There is even a special offer on now to do so.
What else can I do?
Do I have to?
No, of course not. Like the rest of us, you believe you are free, which means you are free to unsubscribe anytime.
But if you think this will protect you from the cosmic nothingness sneaking up behind you, you will be sorely disappointed. So why not stick around with the rest of us? The void loves company.
Plus, I heard there could be sandwiches. You wouldn’t want to miss that.
On behalf of The ‘Schland, I want to say what an absolute pleasure it’s been suffering on your behalf all this time. Slaying the confused demons of the Teutonic Imaginary is not for everyone, but it must be done.
That work will continue, even if to the casual observer it may look like absolute